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"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
-Woody Allen
"I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm
gonna win something."
-Dave Attell
"If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off'.
You've got to quit, cold jerky!"
-Lenny Bruce
"The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to
dress up for it."
-Truman Capote
"Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed."
-George Carlin
"My mother caught me."
-George Costanza from Seinfeld
"Physics is to mathematics as sex is to masturbation"
-Richard Feynman
"The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it
badly."
-Sigmund Freud
"Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night,
but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in
your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some
cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting
laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty
pissed off too!"
-Mrs. Garrison from an episode of South Park
"Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute
for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it
work."
-Karl Kraus
"Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do
it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the
remarkable perfection of invisible partners."
-P. J. O'Rourke
"A Healthy
Addiction. This is what masturbation is to me. Feeling every
sensation. Savoring the pleasure. Getting closer to the edge
with each stroke, throwing yourself over the threshold and
floating into that sexual high. What’s your addiction? This is
mine, and it's the healthiest addiction in the world, because it
can neither harms self nor others."
- Chris Aable
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free
his hands for masturbation."
-Lily Tomlin
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